Envy and Jealousy

Oh Envy and Jealousy...

Envy and jealousy is a disease that corrupts from the inside out. I would ask you to walk a day in the life of a Denis, you wouldn't last a second. Please stop trying to reap what you haven't sown. It takes more than you are willing to give and sacrifice to build real lasting friendships, relationships, careers, and everything else. I go hard! Don't worry about what's in my hand, play the hand you were dealt. What we do, HARD WORK! Don't be envious, just ask for God's favor and put in the work.

PS. I am going to school to be a therapist. People need help out in these streets

Disgusted and Relieved

Disgusted and Relieved 

• I am so disgusted right now. I think I've been disgusted for a while but today is the day I release, facebook therapy. Its a shame how vain we have become. So I was on facebook last night and one of my kids (youth group) posted a before and after picture of himself and basically he asked people to tell him which picture they like better. In the after picture, he lost a good amount of weight, shoot I must admit he looks good :) But the comments are repulsive and quite indicative of how stupid/shallow we have become and how we don't value what really counts, I am sick to my stomach.

• Maybe it's a sensitive topic for me. I have never been really skinny and honestly I don't ever want to be. I just want to be healthy and live a long, active life. Isn't that what we all want. So yes I will admit,  I should be and need to be in better shape. I am a work in progress. I have had men say, your weight is the only issue. Not a problem. You don't like big girls, I don't like pigs, guess we're on the same page. (Yes, pressure on my chest). It's a wonder why people are dying taking weight loss pills and spending millions of dollars on weight loss surgery. Teenage girls are starving themselves at record highs.

• What I do know is that I am beautiful (YES I AM), loyal, a ride or die, educated, and mostly God fearing. I cook, I clean, I even watch a little sports, SHOOT IM A DIME! Don't get me wrong, we all are entitled to our preferences, what we're attracted to and what we're not. I love me some brown skin pretty boys! Clean cut- nicely dressed!!! But I love even more someone who is for me what I am for them: loyal, a ride or die, educated, and mostly God fearing even if he's not a Brown-skinned, nicely-dressed pretty boy (Shamar Moore, Boris Kodjoe, Morris Chestnut). 

• Life happens: loose weight today, gain it tomorrow, young today, old tomorrow, fine today, tragic tomorrow. Cancer happens, and women have to get their breast cut off and their hair fall off. Gravity happens, and those thunder tighs become more like jello and those DD's hit your knees, that six-pack is more like a one pack. Stress happens: your face wrinkles and creases. Pregnacy happens: strech marks galor. Accidents happen: 3rd degree burns all over your body, paralyzed on one side of your body. This is life! What happens when life shows up?

• Musiq Soulchild: I'll Love u when ur turns hair turns grey, I still love u if u gain a little weight, the way I feel for you ain't never gonna change...... The answer is yes, I'll still think you're beautiful, Cause I'm more attracted to what's inside of you, You don't have to guess, The answer is yes. If they don't like you, appreciate you, want you, love you, now, flaws and all, do yourself a huge favor and chuck up the deuces.  Ultimately, your character matters the most, it's the only thing that stands the test of time. Their lost not yours :)

• PS. $30 Gym Membership, $500 Shopping spree after you've lost the weight, $1000 their reaction when you've found someone who loves and appreciate you for you..... The look on their face when they've realized what they've lost, #PRICELESS

Relieved!!! Show some love people, everyone deserves a little :)

Breakthrough

Breakthrough...

Graduation and too much free time has forced me to take the time out to do some self-evaluation. I think there's a time in everyone's life when you must take a look in the mirror and see yourself for who you really are. YOU have to decide if you like the reflection or not. If not, like in my case, changes must occur. 

Check me out…. Childhood memory: I'm sitting at my mother's funeral, next to my 3 sisters and I'm emotionless. I'm like damn it Santra, cry. If you don't cry now it will haunt you for the rest of your life. Truth of the matter is: I was feeling numb. I was just sitting in the front row of my father's funeral a little more than 3 years prior. I'm still trying to cry to no avail. I mean I was tearing up but I didn't get a good cry like my sisters did! We went to the cemetery and while they were putting her body in the ground, I said mommy Imma make you proud. Till this day, my goal in life is to make my parents proud. What they would have wanted from me… I believe my mommy wanted me to be happy and to be successful. I am successful or at least I am diligently working towards it. 

Happiness? Am I really happy? On a regular basis I have people asking me why I'm so mad, are you okay, and/or people would say when I first met you I thought you were mean. If I were truly happy it would show. So I've come to the conclusion that I have never really been an overall Happy Person. I'm soo am jealous of that person that regardless of anything that happens they can keep smiling and know that life goes on. Happiness shows on the outside as will as in the inside.

This is what I really want for myself. This is what this breakthrough is really about. 

What happens? You get busy. Busy with school, work, extracurricular activities, family, friends, significant others, and you forget about the one thing that matters the most. YOU!!! You'll do for others and forget to do for yourself. You lose yourself in the shuffle of daily living. Everything becomes so damn routine! Same shit, New Day! You don't know what really makes you happy. You don't know what you really like to do. You don't really know what you want from a mate. You're living, just to be living! Shit, when was the last time I really did something for me! It's been a while. You can't even recognize yourself anymore. 

Solution: I ask myself. Self! What can you really do to find true happiness? The answer is so simple…just let go. Every day should be a brand new day. Don't wake up with those same burdens on your heart. Live life to its fullest. Don't worry so much. Call your family more (Denis girls if ya'll read this, please know that I love ya sooo much. ya are my everything). Embrace the word (God's word). Have fun. Hang out with those who really matter to you not the people who fail you time after time after time. Don't worry about people who don't give a shit about u. Lastly, don't take on people's problems. As much as we love them, they will have to sort them out themselves. 

Relapse…. Life struggles: Life has a way of detouring you from your original plans' its crazy, like a road that changes directions without any freaking signs or warning. You've been damaged. Friendships end, relationships go sour, people show their true colors: How is it that the people who really do matter to you, the ones who you don't expect to let you down are the ones that do? Its crazy because these same people know the shit you had to deal with, your insecurities, and how it takes a lot for you to really trust people and they turn around and be the ones that you should have stayed away from. 

Recovery…. Lets face it I want to be Happy. I will pursue happiness just as much as I am pursuing a 6-figure salary. I will pursue it with all that is in me. I can't let people or things stand in the way of the Santra I want to become. 
Treatment: Its time to be honest! Brutally honest! I know exactly what I want in life. We like to be shocked when shit turns for the worse, but in reality we had a feeling all along that it would happen, for example: 
You don't study all semester and fail, but you're shocked 
You lower your standards with this one and he turns around and disappoints you, but you're shocked 

So just like a person a recovering from crack cannot be around crack. I'm recovering from loosing myself and not experiencing REAL HAPPINESS and need the things and people that are set backs to stay away from me. 
I am done with liars, deceptive people (be careful with this one because after they deceive for so long, they even deceive themselves), people who do not really have your best interest in mind (these are the people who act like they care about you and when a situation occurs they prove to you exactly how much they really do care, AKA Liars BKA Deceivers), selfish people, and TOXIC PEOPLE (Some people are toxic to your life and they don't even realize it. because you don't even realize it yourself. People that you're always there but they wont return the favor when you're in need. Eliminate those toxic people from your lives, it might make you sad at first because you honestly want to see the good in that person. But trust me, it will make you a much a happier person in the long run). It's not an easy task. People are cunning! But please believe me when I say this, you give them enough time and their true colors will show. Don't ignore the signs. People are their actions!!! 

You must let go of the anger to really be treated. Don't dwell on how these people let you down. Sometimes people honestly don't know how to be a real friends, good boyfriend/girlfriends, family members, coworkers, etc. and that doesn't make them bad people. But if your goal is to find true happiness and you are guilty of loosing yourself because of life struggles then these kinds of people are harmful to you. They are standing in the way of your progression. No hard feelings… Its time that I put myself first 
I'm breaking thru…I'M JUST READY TO BE HAPPY! 

Happy Father's Day

Happy Father’s Day to all the REAL Men out there that are taking care of their responsibilities and owning up to their choices in life. Your numbers are few but we love you and behalf of everyone I take this time out to say Thank you!

Holidays like this really make me sit down and think about how blessed I am to have had GREAT MEN in my life. After my mother and father passed, my uncle stepped up to the plate and although we were not really his responsibility he took us in and cared for us to the best of his ability and almost 10 years later he is still playing that father’s role to his 4 nieces.

I look around and it breaks my heart at how many of my friends have dead beat daddies. Most girls from fatherless environments are the ones with the low self-esteem and are seeking any type of attention from losers just like their fathers. Ladies, we have to DO BETTER. Think with your brain and not your heart. PEOPLE ARE THEIR ACTIONS! Do not make emotion-based decisions. Demand more from guys and from yourself. LEARN FROM YOUR MISTAKES. Don’t get all Happy over things you can do by yourself. Do not sleep with anyone that you wouldn’t see as a father to your kids. There are Great Guys out there, who mean well, give them a chance. 

Most boys from fatherless environments become the very thing that they hated the most. They turn into dead beats JUST LIKE THEIR DADDIES! Sad but true. The worst thing is that they don’t even make the correlation themselves. Men be Men and not boys. Man up to your decisions. You are the head, so set the example. We follow your lead. Lead by example. If you are not ready for kids its simple don’t have sex or wrap it up. Treat every woman like you would want someone to treat your daughter, mother or sister. 

And to all those DEAD BEATS out there- If you want to continue to have sex without protection and not man up to your responsibilities get a damn VASECTOMY, its cheaper than 18 years of child support. Also to the ladies letting them go bare… AIDS IS REAL. 

To all my single mommies doing the best that they can, Keep up the good work. I ADMIRE YOU ALL!

Lastly, MEN do not become the very people you despise and LADIES do not let your bad choices be the reason your children grow up the very same way you did, fatherless. WE HAVE TO DO BETTER!

Signing off... Miss Santra D.

SUPERWOMAN: Operation Take Back My Life!

Cause I am a Superwoman, Yes I am, Yes she is.  Even when I'm a mess, I still put on a vest, With an S on my chest. 

Oh yes, I'm a Superwoman!

 

OR MAYBE NOT...

This Superwoman is hanging up her suit and cape. Superwoman: Operation Take Back My Life. I am starting by learning to say No! I am out of control! "Perhaps the most delicious word in all the English language is yes. We like to say it, we love to hear it." Saying No, I am unavailable, Not this time, Probably Not, I am busy, and all those other "no responses" have always been very difficult for me to do. It is as if the word "NO" doesn't exist in my vocabulary. I am always so amazed at how easy it is for some people to say No to certain request. I wish I could be self-fish and/or inconsiderate, at least sometimes. Seriously, is saying NO really an option for me? I have become such a yes person, it's Scary. I over commit. I try to be everything to everyone. I try to be everywhere at the same time. I am running myself into the ground. Being the YES person, sucks the energy out of you and it robs you from doing the very things that you want to, love to, and need to do for yourself.

I can hear my inner self screaming, "Santra, don't be dumb. The same people that you sacrifice your time, your energy, and yourself for will easily say NO to you and go missing when you need them the most." One of the worst feeling in the world is when you would drop everything you're doing to help someone out, but when you just need a shoulder to lean on or someone to talk to in the wee hours of the morning no one is available, they are busy, they have other commitments, They are just comfortable saying No! Not a sob story, just a reality check! 

This is no way an attempt to be self-fish. I don't believe I have a self-fish bone in me, especially when it comes to my family and close friends. I would cross the ocean for them (shh, don't tell them). Rather, its an attempt to set realistic expectations on what is and what is not possible. I am not Superwoman, I am not a machine. I am a human being. I cannot do it all even though I try. I read this excerpt in a book and it spoke volumes to me...

"Saying NO is perhaps the single most empowering thing you can do take control of your time and your life, and it is essential if you're going to move your priorities to where they should be and keep them there."If we do not consciously establish and intentionally pursue what's important and make it our priority, then we forfeit our power to make wise decisions, and we allow our actions to be dictated by others or even by circumstances."

I'm about to ruffle some feathers, don't take it personal.

I am not saying No to YOU, I am saying Yes TO ME! 

Not going to be a supporting actress in my own life, I refuse. 

I am going to live my best life, no regrets, no excuses, no should've, could've, would've. 

I am TAKING BACK MY LIFE!

I leave you with this...

I gotta a new walk and a new point of view

A new purpose for everything I do I gotta

I'm bout to tell you now see it’s the same pretty face with a brand new smile same SANTRA
but she ain't walkin shes flying
A new day making big moves...

Signed with love, Ex-SuperWoman
 Pieces of ME...