SYC, I Love Thee

Clicking my heels... There is no place like home. There is no place like home. No one can love you like your home-team, your family and your friends :) No one can hurt you like your home-team :(

In August of 2008 I moved from Gainesville back home to South Florida to start a Masters program at Florida International University, or so I thought. God is so amazing! His ways are so beyond ours. Four years later I can say without a doubt that I moved back to South Florida to serve the youth at my home church.

Oh Sinai SDA Church, the church that I grew up in, the church where both my  mother and father served, and the church where I have made lifelong friendships that have become family members. I have held down this position for three years, prior to that I was the Sabbath school director (Sunday school for the Sunday folks). If I am the woman I am today it's because of God, The Late Mona B. Denis, and Sinai SDA Church. I can truly say that I was introduced to leadership at Sinai. As a teen I was a Sabbath School Teacher, Unit Leader, and Youth Department Secretary.  I mastered Public Speaking at Sinai and if I am a lead Singer today it's all because of the group Faith, BOL! I truly believe that to whom much is given much is required. I was given much so in return I SERVE. Allow me to be 100% honest: I never wanted or intended to come back to Fort Lauderdale and I still question whether moving back was a step in the right direction or a huge step back. Only God knows and time reveals all.

When I moved backed home I kept feeling the urge to help and take on some sort of leadership position. Just wanted to share my insight, my successes, failures, experience with those younger than me. Truthfully, I wish I was better prepared for life when I left for college. I was a little naive and as an adult I became determined that the youth of Sinai would be better prepared for life both spiritually and mentally then I was. Three years later I can only pray that hope that we can say we have done so. This is my final month as youth director and it's bittersweet. Bittersweet because it's an abusive relationship. You love it and hate it at the same time.


I love, Love, LOVE the youth at Sinai. They give me life. They are some of the most talented, creative, funny, intelligent you will ever meet. Working with young people is a character building experience.  I have laughed, smiled, cried, yelled, screamed, and even had emotional breakdowns over SYC. The same young person you will drive across town to give a ride to is the same one who will curse you out. Whatever they asked you to do, it's done. But you can't dare ask them to do anything for them. SMH, FLAW SYC Kids! I love them anyway. The friend that you assume you can count on because they can count on you is no where to be found. You learn to be a little more loving and forgiving, understanding and tolerant, hopeful, and most of all you learn patience. It's purposeful and heart warming work but truthfully it can also be heart breaking.


Few Lessons Learned:

1. Giving your best to God is a must. Not an option. Clearly everyone didn't get the memo. 
2. Real Family/Friends Support your ministry not when it's easy and/or convenient for them but when it matters the most. It's called SACRIFICE. 
3. Don't take it personal. LIES!!! Take it personal, it's always personal.
4. Everyone isn't down for the cause. Move forward anyway. One monkey doesn't stop the show. 
5. Leaders are people too. They have feelings. Consider encouraging people rather than criticizing.  
6. Church Friends are more like Family. Value Them. 

In my heart I pray that I have truly made a difference. I pray that youth have grown closer to God through  the Adventist Youth Society Department. I hope and pray that we have made a difference in the lives of our youth and that they are forever changed through are efforts. I pray that the Youth have felt more loved, accepted, and understood than ever before. I pray that they know that we are in their corners and are cheering them on. I hope that my staff and the rest of the youth leaders will envision the youth of Sinai as their kids and not those Kids. I pray that we will do for them what we would want people to do for us. I pray that we will give our best all the time not part of the time. I pray my staff know that deep down in my heart I love them and appreciate all of their hard work and dedication. I know that I can be a bit difficult, thanks for loving me anyway. I hope and pray that the teens and young adults step up in huge way, all hands on deck. I hope the young adults will mentor the teens and the teens the children. We need you all. It takes everyone. Teen Ministries and Young Adults Ministries I hope you come back to life in 2013, not enough hours in they day. Mercy Lord.

It's been real SYC. Thank you for the great times, you all have made my heart smile. Thank you for the not so great times, they have made me a stronger individual. I cannot continue at the pace that I have been going for the last four years. I have to take some time to focus on me and God. Have to make sure that I know the God that I am working so hard for. I am still here just in a different way. I sincerely hope and pray that there is no love lost, if I have offended anyone, not included someone, said something, and/or omitted something I beg you to forgive me as God has forgiven us. I pray that God continues to do the good work in the lives and ministries of the youth and young adults at Sinai. There is no place like SYC, I truly believe it. He's not done with us yet. The Best is Yet to Come.

Blessings,
Santra D.

PS. Shouts out to my Bestie. Words cannot express how much of a support system you have been to me these past few years. Through it all, good and bad, I am able to count on you. You have gone above and beyond and I am forever grateful for your ministry at Sinai. I know I am hard on you and that I complain way to much but truly i don't think i would have made it thus far without you here. I just want to say thank you for your hard work, encouragement, dedication, and support. I love you, Muah!

Quarter-Life Crisis

So my coworker sent me this article from Essence Magazine... I used to subscribe to Essence until I realized that I am poor and have to come up with a serious retirement plan. Anyway, this article gave me life and I wanted to share it with you, YES YOU! 

Is this you: a twenty-something who feels she should be well on her path to marriage and career and financial security, but instead you feel anxious, disappointed and helpless? Of course this is me, I have been in 7 weddings in the last two years. My professional life is AMAZING, just joking. It's ok, it could be better. Did someone say financial security? I am going back to the original plan (MARRY RICH). Today, I am actually feeling great. But on any given day I can be feeling anxious, disappointed, and/or maybe both. Never really feeling helpless, I love Jesus. 

Welcome to your quarter-life crisis. Oh yeaaaa, quarter life! Everyone who has ever amounted to anything has been there. Just breathe. You will be fine, even if doesn't feel like it today (or tomorrow). Here's some advice from fly women who faltered before they flew to get you through the rough patches with grace.

• Nurture Your Spirit

Learn to meditate or pray. "There is no right or wrong way to pray," says Dee Marshall, a life coach and founder of girlfriendspray.org. "It's more important to simply pray, pray often and pray proactively rather than reactively after life throws you a blow." I must admit, I don't pray enough. I don't make enough time for God. So sad how he has become my backup plan. I rather chill with everyone else than to chill with the one who has always held me down, who gives me peace, who is understanding, sees right through the fascade, and loves me anyway. Game Plan: 

• Ask For Help

Some women think asking for an assist is a sign of weakness. If you're one of those women, abandon that mind-set now. It takes a village to do a lot of things well. Rally the troops to tackle the big assignment at work or to give you a weekend off from motherhood. "The idea that you can give 100 percent in two places at once is a myth," says Thembisa S. Mshaka, an author and married mom of two. "Superwoman may be accomplished, but she's often lonely and exhausted." What happens when you ask for help and don't receive it? What happens when the people closet to you know that you are overwhelmed and chooses not to lend a helping hand. 

• Be Fearless

Just take that first step in the direction of your dreams and things will slowly fall into place," says Claire Sulmers. In 2006 Sulmers, a die-hard fashionista, launched a fashion blog as a hobby. Fashionbombdaily.com is now one of the leading fashion destinations for women of color and has landed Sulmers introductions to her favorite designers and an entrée to fashion shows across the globe. Oh yea of little faith. I have and have been FEARLESS, especially in 2012. There's no stopping me now. 

• Remember Trouble Doesn't Last

During those moments while you're in that deep, dark hole you fell into -- job loss, bank accounts in the red, heartbreak, bad credit, bad decisions -- it won't feel like it can get better, but know that it will. "Don't pray for a miracle, pray for a plan," says publicist Christina Rice. "A plan will ensure your tomorrow will be better than it is today." Singing, "trouble don't last always." I don't understand why sometimes I have selective amnesia. Forgetting that he always takes care of things. It has rained, poured, damned near drowned in flood waters in my life on many occasions, but I'm still standing. 

• Spend Your Time And Money On Experiences, Not Just Things

In ten years you won't remember whatever big-ticket item that's in your closet now, nor are you likely to be wearing it. And what's worse, it probably won't be worth much. If you're going to break the bank, why not take an international trip? "Constant change of pace, new scenery and unpredictable adventures keep me nimble," says marketing maven Johnica Reed, who has visited six continents and racked up countless sky miles. "I see more of myself as I see more of the world." Or you could give to charity. There's a lot of need out there, and though it may sound selfish, studies say being generous can make you feel better. I have never been one to buy many things for me, I am by nature a spoiler of people. I love to make people happy and their happiness becomes my happiness. 

While you may be in your Quarter-Life crisis at this very moment, I urge you to be positive. Things aren't that bad. You will be OK. I've learning to take one day at a time and to make the next day even better than the last. Small Steps are better than not taking any steps at all. If you have a choice between smiling and frowning, choose to smile. Choose to be happy and to dance during the rain/storms in your life. Choose to trust the process. Trust God during the process. Lastly, try to enjoy the process. Quarter Life Crisis not going to get the best of me. 

Signed

-Santra D.

Randomocity

One of my best friends shared this and I thought I would do it as well...

• If I were a gemstone, I'd be a Diamond.
• If I were a scent, I'd be Japanese Cherry Blossom
• If I were a pair of shoes, I'd be Peep-toe Pumps.
• If I were the weather, I'd be a Rainy Day (no lightening or thunderstorms)
• If I were a facial expression, I'd be a Bright Smile
• If I were a car, I'd be a Lexus
• If I were a time of day, I'd be 8pm
• If I were a month, I'd be February
• If I were a place, I'd be  New York City (Big City, Bright Lights)
• If I were a liquid, I'd be Water (everyone needs water to survive)
• If I were a taste, I'd be Sweet and Sour
• If I were a sea animal, I'd be a Dolphin
• If I were a food, I'd be Carbs (Pray for me)
• If I were a color, I'd be Pink
• If I were a musical instrument, I'd be a Saxophone (They're sexy to me)
• If I were a flower, I'd be Orchid
• If I were an object, I'd be a Cup
• If I were a fruit, I'd be a Pineaaple
• If I were a sound, I'd be R & B Music
• If I were a day of the week, I'd be Wednesday
• If I were a nail polish color, I'd be Pastel Pink 
• If I were a bakery treat, I'd be a Guava Pastry (It's the Miami in me)
• If I were a store, I'd be Forever 21
• If I were a season, I'd be Fall/Autumn
• If I were a perfume, I'd be Vera Wang Princess.

Feelings Hurt

It's the ones with the biggest and most giving hearts that seem to always get taken advantage of and mistreated. Thank you Lord for your example, you gave the most because you loved the most and they hated and killed you. Who am I to be hurt and disappointed?

Thank you for the cross Lord, it always helps me put things into perspective.

-Pieces of Me

Giving Thanks

I can't believe it's Thanksgiving again. What a year it has been. I think I have learned so much about my character and what needs to happen in order for me to be the woman God created me to be.

I am thankful for many things this year. I am thankful for my wonderful family and awesome friends. I am thankful that God saw favor in me and that i have a place to live, food on my table, clothes on my back, and that I am not sick in the hospital. Above all, I am thankful for the many character building lessons God sent my way this year. I am thankful for the many ways in which I was challenged. I am learning to trust God and to lean on him for understanding in all that I want and all I do.

Thankful that this year God broke major chains in my life. I am no longer afraid of moving forward. I am getting better at expressing my true feelings. I am thankful for peace of mind and soul.

I guess what I am really try to say is that more than ever I am thankful for God and how awesome and mighty he has been in my life despite it all.

I am forever thankful that he Loves Me, He Loves Us, He Loves You... Happy Thanksgiving my loves.


-Santra D.

BLACK GIRLS ROCK

Black Girls Rock, seriously we do. Say it loud and proud, I am a Black Girl and I rock. When I reflect on the women that are a part of my life one word comes to mind: AMAZING! The other words that follow are beautiful, talented, intelligent, hardworking, tenacious, awe-inspiring all at the same time.

Moment of Truth! I must admit that I am not a fan of award shows, especially BET Award shows. But, Black Girl's Rock was a breath of fresh air. The women that were honored spoke to me on many levels. Allow me to share a few things that resonated with me.

JANELLE MONAE IS THE TRUTH!

She represents true beauty that will ultimately stand the test of time. She is beautiful both inside and out. Her acceptance speech had me in tears. She shared with the audience members that when she was first introduced to the music industry she was a maid. She used to clean houses. Janelle Monae, a maid? Her  mother was a proud janitor, her step-father who raised her like his very own worked at the post office and her father was a trash man. They all wore uniforms. She wears her uniform to honor them. Reminds me of the plight of my Haitian people and the hard work they put in to make sure that we have a chance to become a Janalle Monae or even better. Side Note: I choose to honor my heritage every single day that I wake up. I make it my business to negate every negative stereotype of Black Women. I show up to the table knowing that I must represent for Black Women everywhere. We are more than just pretty faces, we are fierce, we are a force to be reckoned with. 

She went further to add that wearing her uniform is a reminder that she has work to do, she has people to uplift, and have people to inspire. She stated that today she wears her uniform proudly as a Covergirl. Lastly, Advice from Janelle Monae to the young ladies ,"I want to be clear young girls, I didn’t have to change who I was to become a Covergirl, I didn’t have to become perfect because I’ve learned through my journey that perfection is the often the enemy of greatness. Embrace what makes you unique, even if it makes other uncomfortable."

Very hard concept to grasp, did she really just say to embrace what makes us unique? Doesn't she know that this society has made us into people who will do any and everything to look like, dress like, and act like the presumed status quo. I may have been guilty of this at some point in my life, but I've been over that phase for a while. Life is short. I can only be me and I urge all of my readers to do the same. BE YOU! Don't live for others, live for you. Someone's life may seem glamorous from the outside looking in but in reality it is the complete opposite. This reminds me of the febreeze commercial where they have people that are blindfolded enter into disgusting houses filled with trash that they have sprayed with febreeze deodorizer  The people actually believe they are in. Often times perception is not reality. 

Do yourself a favor, stop stalking people on Facebook  watching their every move, creating this perfect life that they are so-called living in your mind that is honestly a far cry from the truth.  I had to unsubscribe to a few people because I know I was being stalked (not literally, but literally). People who try too hard to be like me scare me. I'm dead serious ya'll. Facebook and other social media websites will make people infatuated with you and your life. It makes people envious. I don't believe men have this issue as much as women. Ladies, let embrace what's make us unique.... Do not and I repeat DO NOT COMPARE YOURSELF AND YOUR LIFE TO OTHERS. You will never ever measure up 100% and it will lead to your demise. I honestly believe that if you don't address your insecurities, your heart aches, and your vulnerabilities while you're still young you will spend a lifetime trying to make sense of them. 2012 has been quite a journey and the goal was to learn from past mistakes and I can say that I have. I am making strides to becoming a better woman. I am unique in many ways and I am learning to embrace every piece of me, flaws and all.

I am Santra D.

I am a Black Girl that Rocks ♥♥♥

Did He Just Call Me a Hater #30WriteNow

Did he just call me a Hater? Oh Yes, he did! I was shocked to say the least... In having a conversation with a friend of mine, he stated that he doesn't tell me anything because I am a hater. If you know me well, you know that I tend to internalize and over analyze things. Honestly, that comment hurt my feelings on many levels. I was hurt at first but now I'm like what the hell. Are you freaking serious?!?!

Have you ever had the best of intentions and people turn it around on you? People with a drug issue will try to convince you that you're evil because you wont supply them with a fix. People with gambling issues will accuse you of being flaw if you don't let them borrow money. Women who are being abused will get mad at you when you tell them to leave the abusive loser that they are with. I've found that even men will accuse you of being a hater when you tell them the truth about their choice of a mate. They rather you applaud their misery and failed attempts at relationship after relationship with women who they would cross the ocean for but wouldn't even cross the street for them (literally). People want you to support them to be in relationships where they are cheated on, disrespected, talked about, treated like a begging dog, being mocked, laughed at, and embarrassed. People want you to support their foolishness and when you don't you're classified a hater. What ever happened to wanting the best for your friends and family and being their voice of reason when they are not being and thinking rationally?

A few weeks back A friend of mine posted a status about women and their hating friends. He stated that every woman has "hating girlfriends"  who always have something negative to say. I don't know about you ladies and gentlemen, but I don't have hating friends nor do I make a habit of associating myself with haters. I have REAL girlfriends/sisterfriends. Girlfriends who will remind me of my standards and values when I have a lapse in memory. Friends who could care less about your present state of happiness if its destructive in the long run. I have the type of friends who just by my facial expression and/or the tone of my voice knows if something is up with me. I go hard for my loved one's and the expectation is that they will do the same for me. I am not comfortable with being classified a hater. Do people think I enjoy raining on their parades? Well kind of, lol, Just kidding! But seriously, who wouldn't want to see their friends, family members, and loved one in HEALTHY, happy, loving, relationships?  I love when my friends and family are Happy because I in turn am Happy as well. Happiness is transferable, it's contagious. But, so is sadness and depression. I can't take heart break so I hate to see my friends headed down that road. I sit at my friends weddings barely able to contain my happiness and the same goes for when they are sad. I would do anything to cheer them up. Am I a hater because I love hard?

I have a mantra that I live by and it basically reminds me to be for people what I would want them to be for me. However, I am starting to realize that not everyone wants and appreciates honesty, at least at the level that I need it. While I like to play it safe, some people enjoy taking risks. While I require a reciprocal kind of love, some people are ok loving people who do not love them in the same way that they love them.

People just don't make sense at all. We love the people who treat us the worst and hurt, disappoint, deceive, and betray the people who love us the most. It's kind of how we keep finding ourselves in the devil's camp, the one whose purpose is to destroy us while we deny Jesus, the one who has proven time after time after time that he is the father of love and forgiveness. Lord, help us!

Resolution:
I'm going to start charging for my professional advice and listening skills, the people who get it for free sure don't appreciate it, Lmbo! But for real people are going to do what they want to do. You can talk until you're blue in the face and give all the advice in the world, some will take heed others won't. Se la vie! Santra D. learn to shut up, sit back, and watch everything unfold. Definitely cant continue to take on everyone's issues and problems and care more than they obviously do. Let them be, let it be. If they like it, I love it. Nothing but love :)

Signed,

The So-Called Hater

Round of Applause #30WriteNow

I must admit, I've been going through the motions and in my feelings for a little while. In the last two months I think I've experienced almost every emotion. I've been happy, sad, disappointed, deceived, overwhelmed, excited, proud, content, and lonely (can't wait to spend a week with my sisters, brothers, nephew, and niece (I'm going to meet my niece for the very first time) they drive me crazy but are honestly my bestest friend's and lifelines). I've been extremely hard on myself not giving myself enough credit and not taking time to be present. Just want to pause and give myself a round of applause.

Yesterday, my swimming instructor told me that I swim gracefully, made me smile. Yes people, I am swimming. October was a tough month but I got so much accomplished. Had an awesome month of programming for Youth on Fire for Christ at my church. Many of the kids have stopped me and told me how impactful this month was for them. From the Pray/Praise Until Something Happens Event to the Lock In about Professional Development, and even the pageant that so many youth are already showing interest in wanting to be in next year. Professionally, I got through two major audits at my job and the roughest two months of transition. I survived and I will continue to survive. I look forward to ending this year with a bang.

In the next few weeks I'm going to revisit my goals for 2012. I think I've accomplished a lot but I need a serious game plan for three areas where I'm struggling and have been struggling for a while. Hoping to get motivated and finish strong. Either way, I'm proud of me... Keep me lifted

Signed,

An Optimistic Santra D.

Love and Marriage #30WriteNow

Since 2010 I have been in 7 weddings. 7 Weddings in 2 years ya'll. No worries, I will not be like the lady from 27 dresses, as I send them all to Haiti (some young woman in Haiti is a fashionista, looking and feeling like a million dollars with my dresses, just the thought warms my heart).

But for real, tis the season... Just wanted to share my thoughts on commitment, relationships, love, and marriage. As much as I try to deny it,  I am indeed a hopeless romantic. I get all bubbles and sunshine, hearts and flowers when I think of love and marriage. Love is a beautiful thing to say the least. I believe in fairy tale endings and know in my heart that God has created someone in this world that holds the specific key to the lock on my heart. The thought of spending the rest of your life with one person is a scary thought, hence, we have to be 100% sure, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the person you are with is "The One".

THE ONE... The one that will love you, the real you, flaws and all. The one who will stand beside you to support you and in front of you to protect you. The one who makes you feel safe, safe from your past, your present, and the trials that are to come in the future. The one who you can trust with your inner most thoughts and even the trivial day to day concerns. The one who will be loyal and dependable. The one who will put your needs before his own because he knows that you'll the same. The one who will be honest with you in a loving and caring way. The one who will push you to be the best you that you can be. The one who will pray for you and pray with you. The one... Your better half. A reciprical love. These are the dealbreakers! I am talking about real love. Love that last through the test of time.

To all my beautiful friends that I have had the honour to be a part of your wedding parties,  Cheers to you for finding and embracing "The One" and here's to many blissful years of Love & Marriage. Until my turn, I WILL WAIT.  I leave you with these lyrics by Maurette Brown Clarke:
"The one that I dreamed about. The one I can't live without. The one He kept for me Until it was time. The one I was praying for. The one He delayed me for. The one He kept for me until it was time. The one I've waited for, my love's design. The one He kept for me until it was time."  

-Signed

Pieces of Me

PASSION #30WriteNow

TWO WORDS: OPRAH WINFREY!

 

Not too long ago, I updated my facebook status to say "Move over Oprah Winfrey, Michelle Obama is my new role model."

 

I LIED!

 

Oprah Winfrey and First Lady Michelle Obama are tied for first place in my heart and life as far as role model for professional African American women . On Sunday evening I happened to be surfing channels and remembered that Building a Dream: The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls, where Oprah shares her mission to create her Leadership Academy for Girls in South Aftica and tells the stories of the some of the girls was showing that night . Let me tell you, I was nothing but waterworks while watching the entire show. Seriously, I don't want to waste my life. I was going through the motions ya'll, was all in my feelings.

I was excited for the opportunity that the young ladies were receiving. I was sad and depressed that so many girls in Africa and other countries around the world are living in such poverty (Lord help me to think of them when I'm being ungrateful and complaining). I was proud that while they had so many obstacles and barriers in their pathways they have taken the high road of hard work. The young ladies proved to be extremely intelligent, well spoken, and took education seriously. Lastly I was hopeful. Hopeful for the future of these young ladies and the countries they represent. Hopeful for my future.

 

Oprah said something that pulled at my heartstrings. She said that for many years people have asked her, why didn't she have children (not that I want some any time soon). She said  she now understood and that it all made sense. She said it's because of the academy. The ladies at the academy were now her children. Aha moment, thank God for Aha moments!Often times God is trying to do big things in our lives. He is holding back your desires, your so called hopes and dreams because you're not even on his level. You have no idea how he is about to use you and bless you in a way that you could have never imagined.  I don't know about you, but I whole heartedly believe that I am destined to be great. There is something special, something unique, that God want's me to accomplish on this earth. Every time I think about it, Haiti and women come to mind. I don't know the specifics but I know he's not done with me and that I am unattached for a specific reason (SPEAK LORD).

 

Oprah is an amazing woman and she is doing amazing work. I only hope that one day in the near future I will be able to start a Santra Denis Leadership Academy for Girls in Haiti...

Write the vision, make it plain.

 

Photo: Benny Gool/Harpo

 

 

BRAVERY #30WriteNow

BRAVERY...

My little sister is the one of the BRAVEST women I know (except for that time we went parasailing in Mexico, lmbo). She is a tough one, built Ford Tough we like to say. She is a no no-nonsense type of girl. She says what she means and means what she says. She will stand up to the biggest and baddest of them all. Her bravery inspires me (don't think she knows it). 

Resilience #30WriteNow

The First thought that comes to mind is My Sisters and I. We defied every odd...  WE ARE RESILIENT!   Next thought, my Haitian ancestry. Not too long ago a friend of mine and I were discussing Haiti and he said, "Haitians don't have anything to be proud of." I didn't respond but I was disappointed and maybe even a little insulted. To me, it was like him saying that Africans have nothing to  be proud of. He couldn't be more wrong.  If we are not living the rich and glamorous life it's only because half of our income goes to support family members in Haiti. We have a rich history and we are a force to be reckoned with. Haitian people are the hardest working group of people I know (Yes, I am bias)! I stand on the shoulders of giants, my Haitian ancestors  are the original revolutionaries. They dared to believe that they shouldn't live in bondage and slavery but instead they should be a free nation.  Haitian people are the epitome of Resilience. Haiti, the Pearl of the Caribbean, will rise again.


To all my readers who have had some type of setback, barrier, and/or roadblock in this life...  Have the courage and tenacity to Bounce back, Tough it out, and Beat the odds. There's absolutely nothing like a comeback victory.

RESILIENCE

Heartbreak #30WriteNow

Love, that 4 letter word. But oh, it's so much more.

I was having lunch with one of my guy friends. I asked him, was his girlfriend ok with us being friends and having lunch? He said yes because we never had any sexual relations. I laughed at him and said when will we learn that the emotional, spiritual, mental connection is the deepest connection you can ever have with someone. At least to me.

My concept of love has always been kind of tainted. I'm sure it's because when the one's whom God has placed on this earth to instill love in you, show you what true love is, and love you the way that he (God) loves you leave the earth and leave you to fiend for yourself... You become a little guarded, you make tons of mistakes, you learn early lessons, and you ultimately love smart!

I have trained my heart and mind to make the things that should matter matter the most, count more than other things. I know that when it comes to love I can not afford to waiver on the following:
1. A man that is God-fearing
2. Dependable
3. Supportive
4. Hardworking
5. Thoughtful and Considerate

Hence, I've never ever been the girl who sees a guy and is instantly head over heels. I don't care too much for surface relationships. I fall in love with people's heart and soul. It sounds cliche, but it's the truth.

This world can be a cold place. It hardens loving hearts. If you're not careful it can make you bitter. It tells you to love and value things that are temporary and disregard the people and things that should be the most important. I rebuke all of the aforementioned. I believe in true love and have witnessed real life love stories.

I've been heartbroken, I've been taken advantage of but I refuse to fail the same test twice.

I love hard, a blessing and a curse... In the past few years it's been more a curse than a blessing, I guess the third time's a charm, right?

L.O.V.E = LOVE

Little Faith aka Trust Issues #30WriteNow

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen... At least that's the definition that I use... thus saith the Lord.

I wholeheartedly believe that in order to have faith in something or someone you must be able to trust them. Trust has always been hard for me because I question motives, always have and probably always will. I have met some shady, selfish people. Yea, I've met some Judas'. Faith in humans, heck no. They let down and they disappoint.

Additionally, to trust you have to be ok with and willing to accept uncertainty. I absolutely hate uncertainty! I secretly wish my life would and could go as I plan for it to go or at least I wish God would give me visions of what's next. I must admit that I am a bit of a control freak. I like things my way. I like things in a certain order. I am a planner and an organizer. I have a plan A, B, C, and D for almost every situation. I just don't get those free spirited people that will go backpacking in a foreign country, or quit their jobs without having one lined up for them. Craziness!

Faith, I have struggled with this aspect of Christianity all my life.

...Faith, the size of a mustard seed says the good old book.

He is faithful, always was, always is, and always will be! And because he is, I must learn to be.

Sin #30WriteNow

We will never truly understand the damage sin creates in our lives. We sin against our bodies, our minds, and souls. It's a wonder why we have so many emotional and mental issues, SIN! If we truly lived the lives God had intended for us to live oh what peace we would have. Oh how he loves us!

I pray that one day, I will become free of sin. I pray that I will not be a liar, envious, jealous, boastful. Lord help me to forgive others and not to harbor hate in my heart. Help me so that I wont be critical of myself and of others. I seriously love you with all my heart, even though I may not always act like it, the flesh is weak. Lord, help me to ultimately be a woman after your own heart...

For your glory, I will do anything. Just to see you, to behold you as my king. 

Wanna be where you are, gotta be where you are...

Hello Fear #30WriteNow

Three weeks ago a few of my closets friends gathered at my new place of residence for my apt/house warming gathering. Among the many gifts I received, I received this mirror that I wanted. It's not your typical mirror, it's one of those magnifying mirror. A blessing and a curse.

I often have to tell myself to get out the mirror, not that I'm vain, I just want to make sure I'm presentable. Ok, i lied. I'm actually making sure that I'm still as fly as the last time I checked ;)

This mirror can hurt your feelings though. You see if you look into it long enough, you start to see more than you've ever bargained far. You start to see your fears.

Fears will show up. They show up even though you try so hard to hide them. You start to see the worry in your eyes about what the next step in life will be, because you know the next step has to be the best step. You also start to notice that your eyes are bloodshot and that you have bags due to a lack of sleep because you can't turn off that mind and brain of yours. You start to see the slight wrinkles in your forehead from the stress. You see the frown lines by the corners of your mouth. You see the fear of failure and of loneliness. You see the mistakes, you see the failures, you see your deferred dreams. You no longer see your beautiful reflection in that magnifying mirror of yours, you see nothing but FEAR.

But the mirror is magical as well. A magical mirror it is. You see its two-sided. One side magnifies and the other just reflects. After seeing and studying my fears, I take a deep breath and resolve in myself to wave goodbye to that image. I turn the mirror around and there looking back at me is she. I see those diamond cut eyes, with the perfect set of eyebrows, the million dollar smile, those lips that drive the guys crazy, the smooth caramel complexion, and the dimple in my right check. There she is looking back at me. She's back! I see those strong affirming eyes, filled with hope and determination. I look in the mirror and I see my mother and father, double take! I see my strong Haitian features: those high cheekbones, full lips and nose. I see courage, power, and resilience. I see me, Santra D.

Chuck up the deuces, Goodbye Fears!

Invisible #30WriteNow

Invisible for the last time...

To those whose voices have ever been ever silenced...

For anyone whose ideas have ever been ignored... 

To the child whose dreams have ever been deferred...

For the person trying to decide what the next step should be...

To the woman or man seeking to move on from a toxic relationship...

For the student struggling in school...

To the little girl with the big heart and troubled soul...

For the little boy trying to find his way...

HE KNOWS!
HE CARES!
HE IS... GOD!

HUNGER #30WriteNow

I must admit that I am malnourished. I would say maybe a little bulimic mixed with a little anorexia, (not literally people, RELAX). You see I find it hard to actually sit down and eat, but yet I'm purging on a daily basis. I've been fat almost my entire life. For the life of me I don't know how and why. I think I'm the healthiest fat person you will ever meet in life (oxymoron, I know). It's the thing that I'm the most insecure about (shh don't tell anyone). I will never admit to it though (please don't try to talk to me about it, don't feel bad for me, or try to throw me a pity party). You see I'm the girl who has every quality of a great friend and/or perfect spouse... except I'm fat. People may not say it, but deep down in my soul, I know it! It's the elephant in the room, it's the unspoken. 

You see I'm hungry, better yet I'm starving; but, I'm scared to eat. I'm starving, not taking care of me because I'm busy being emptying my heart and soul offering everything I have to give trying to prove that I'm worth it. I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. I'm cute enough.  I'm loyal enough. I'm the most dedicated. Hungry for someone to PICK ME, the girl who has every quality of a great friend and/or perfect spouse... except she's fat!  I just want to be that person for everyone, hoping that those people in return will be that person for me.  I'm hungry but I'm sacred to eat. People can and never will be what fills the void. They can never help you face and get over your insecurities. 

"True story: Whatever you feed, will grow."  The Ace posted this as her status update this morning...  She also sent me this heart felt email this morning after reading my blog... Thank you for being a friend, travel down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant. In John 6:35 Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. No more purging, No more starving myself. I'm filling up on you Lord, better yet I want a double portion (this wont effect my waist line)... You win God, I quit! 

PS. This is a forum to express some general thoughts. The word of the day  happen to be hunger and I figured I would capitalize on the opportunity. I am my worst critic and promise to make the next posting a less intense one and cut myself some slack. I AM Santra D., that's all I can be. Take it or leave it. Of course I would like for everyone to accept and love 100% of me, but the truth is not everyone will. Life goes on and rainy days become sunny days with an extra special gift, a rainbow. I will not alllow my self worth to be defined by others and I know that the cruel words of one are nothing compared to the shouts of many. Hugs and Kisses to all my cheerleaders out there... Even you :)

Signed,

Pieces of Me

TRUTH #30WriteNow

Can you handle the Truth... 

HELL NO! 

But, I still deserve it. 

Over the years, mainly the last year or so, I've learned that the truth hurts ya'll. Like really hurts. Sometimes the truth shows up and cracks open your chest open, rips your heart out, and and stomps all over it. 

People say honesty is the best policy and while it may sometimes hurt, I would still prefer it over a lie any day. Why, you ask? Because the truth gives you decision making power and most of all it sets you FREE.

Sing with me ya'll

Ain't no feeling like being free
When your mind's made up
And your hearts in the right place, yeah
Ain't no feeling like being free
When you've done all you could
But what's misunderstood(It's all good, it's all good)
Ain't no feeling like being free
I'm like an eagle set free
And finally I'm looking out for me
Ain't no feeling like being free
Cause my mind's made up
And my heart is in the right place, yeah

COURAGE #30WriteNow

So my childhood bestie tagged me on a link to the 30WriteNow challenge. It's basically a challenge to write (blog in my case) every day of the month of October.  I'm a little behind so I am writing two tonight to catch up. The Day one prompt for the #30WriteNow October writing challenge is... COURAGE.  Ironic...

The truth is that I'm a punk and have always been. This world scares me with all of it's uncertainties. The fact that you can go to undergraduate and graduate school, take out thousands of dollars worth of loans and be left without a career of some sort and no type of guaranteed success is scary. Even scarier, is the fact that you can invest everything that you have (your heart, your time, your life) into a relationship/friendship and end up with nothing to show for it.  

Question: How do people do it? How do people risk it all,  knowing that they may just loose it all? I am guilty of charge; I am guilty of playing it safe.  I am not a gambler and I don't like taking chances. 

Bottom Line... I lack Courage. 

I leave you with a quote from the Wizard of Oz's courage-less lion: 

"What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage! What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the "ape" in apricot? What have they got that I ain't got? Courage!"

That's MY First Lady... Mrs. Michelle Obama

First Lady Michelle Obama is the TRUTH! I have always been moved by intelligent, well-mannered, well-spoken, powerhouse women. They speak to my spirit and soul. First, Mona Denis (ask about her), Madeline Albright and then Oprah Winfrey. Now, the latest and greatest, First Lady Michelle Obama. 

First Lady Michelle Obama represented for Black Women everywhere at the Democratic National Convention. In a world where we tend to value everything except the things that matter the most; In a world where the images of black women often makes us want to crawl into a hole and never come out (THANK YOU NIKKI MINAJ); In a world where black families are categorized as dysfunctional and black relationships are based on nothing but the physical and sexual... First Lady Michelle Obama you are a breath of fresh air! You give us something to look forward to.  You inspire us to dream big and to NEVER, EVER, EVER settle for less. I salute you Mrs. Obama! Thank you for being an example for ALL the young ladies around the world. You are Beautiful (inside and out), Intelligent, Well-Spoken, Well-Dressed, and Classy. I read your bio and am automatically re-focused, re-energized, and re-dedicated to becoming the best Santra Denis that I can be.

President Obama, I salute you as well. I salute you Mr. President for not just choosing to marry a woman with a pretty face and nice body (Mrs. Obama looks great). Instead, you took the high road and married a woman with integrity, who would love you, (even when your dreams were just a seed and you had nothing to your name) stand by you, support you, and represent you well. I too dream of being and becoming an example to women everywhere. I pray that I will always have integrity and a character that does not waiver. I hope to continue to fight for the rights of people everywhere in some form or fashion. I hope to marry someone who will be my better half.  I hope to marry someone who will believe and invest in me as much as I believe and invest in them. I hope to marry someone who I could share my hopes and dreams with and that would support me and stand with me despite the obstacles. Thank you First Lady Michelle Obama,  I AM EMPOWERED! 

Move over Oprah... When I grow up I want to be First Lady Michelle Obama!

Signed,

Santra Denis

Pieces of Me

The List: 9 Down, 21 to Go!

Hi Friends! Just wanted to update you all on my progress. People thought I was playing when I came up with the list. If you didn't know already, now you know that I mean BUSINESS!

Below are the things that I have crossed off the list already or that will be crossed off by December. Nine in Total, I am proud of myself... ROUND OF APPLAUSE, BRAVO!

• Start Scholarship Fund in honor of the Late Mona B. Denis.
• Have granted two laptops to 2 deserving students from my church
• Took 15 Students out for a Graduation Celebration Dinner
• Get a promotion
• Got a raise ya'll! God is amazing :)
• Learn to speak conversational Spanish and french
• Registered for a Spanish course... Starts in two weeks
• Learn to swim and go Snorkeling, Jet-Skiing, and Para-Sailing.
• Registered for a swimming course... Starts in two weeks
• Cook/Bake 30 New Meals
• I have made the following:
• Stuffed Chicken breast with Spinach and Feta Cheese
• Asparagus wrapped in turkey bacon
• Rosemary Roasted Chicken
• Sweet  Potato Fries 
• Enjoy the Arts: Museums, Galleries, Theatres, Concerts, Gardens: Essence Music Festival (New Orleans), Art Bazzle (Miami), Wine and Food Festival (Miami), Japanese Garden, just to name a few.
• Kings Men Concert- This Sunday
• Mail a card to someone different every month telling them how much they mean to me (family and close friends).
• I have mailed 5 Cards already. The responses are overwhelming. It feels good to make someone's day :)
• Receive and Demand Love at the Level that I give it and Take Risks with Love... LOVE, ENGAGEMENT, MARRIAGE
• I am making demands ya'll. Blogging about it soon :)
• Read 30 New Books
• I have read:
• The Help
• Fifty Shades of Grey
• Fifty Shades Darker
• Fifty Freed

Still have a few remaining:

1. Family trip to Haiti.
2. Travel to Europe, Africa, and more Islands of the Caribbean
3. Take a Mission Trip
4. Learn 30 New Hymns
5. Memorize 30 New Scriptures
6. Write a will.
7. Run a marathon, I repeat RUN
8. Go on a Cross-Country- All American Road Trip: to include camping (yes camping, thinking grand canyon) and resorts (California)
9. Invest, buy stock
10. Go apple everything. I have an I-Phone, just need an I-PAD and a mac book.
11. Buy my first home (townhouse).
12. Romantic Hot Air balloon with champagne date
13. Register and take a Ballroom dancing class.
14. Move to a new city: Maryland, Atlanta, Houston, or another city in Florida.
15. Ride a motorcycle (moped doesn't count).
16. Attend the Kentucky Derby wearing a Huge Hat.
17. Go vegetarian for a month.
18. Garden: Grow my own herbs, fruits, and veggie (small scale).
19. Master a 5-Course Gourmet Meal
20. Learn to drive a manual car (stick shift).
21. Extravagant 30th Birthday Party (MTV's Sweet 16 doesn't have nothing on me, ohh except money: operation marry a millionaire is in full affect).

Pursuit of Happyness :)

Signed,
Santra D.
These are the Pieces of Me