Did He Just Call Me a Hater #30WriteNow

Did he just call me a Hater? Oh Yes, he did! I was shocked to say the least... In having a conversation with a friend of mine, he stated that he doesn't tell me anything because I am a hater. If you know me well, you know that I tend to internalize and over analyze things. Honestly, that comment hurt my feelings on many levels. I was hurt at first but now I'm like what the hell. Are you freaking serious?!?!

Have you ever had the best of intentions and people turn it around on you? People with a drug issue will try to convince you that you're evil because you wont supply them with a fix. People with gambling issues will accuse you of being flaw if you don't let them borrow money. Women who are being abused will get mad at you when you tell them to leave the abusive loser that they are with. I've found that even men will accuse you of being a hater when you tell them the truth about their choice of a mate. They rather you applaud their misery and failed attempts at relationship after relationship with women who they would cross the ocean for but wouldn't even cross the street for them (literally). People want you to support them to be in relationships where they are cheated on, disrespected, talked about, treated like a begging dog, being mocked, laughed at, and embarrassed. People want you to support their foolishness and when you don't you're classified a hater. What ever happened to wanting the best for your friends and family and being their voice of reason when they are not being and thinking rationally?

A few weeks back A friend of mine posted a status about women and their hating friends. He stated that every woman has "hating girlfriends"  who always have something negative to say. I don't know about you ladies and gentlemen, but I don't have hating friends nor do I make a habit of associating myself with haters. I have REAL girlfriends/sisterfriends. Girlfriends who will remind me of my standards and values when I have a lapse in memory. Friends who could care less about your present state of happiness if its destructive in the long run. I have the type of friends who just by my facial expression and/or the tone of my voice knows if something is up with me. I go hard for my loved one's and the expectation is that they will do the same for me. I am not comfortable with being classified a hater. Do people think I enjoy raining on their parades? Well kind of, lol, Just kidding! But seriously, who wouldn't want to see their friends, family members, and loved one in HEALTHY, happy, loving, relationships?  I love when my friends and family are Happy because I in turn am Happy as well. Happiness is transferable, it's contagious. But, so is sadness and depression. I can't take heart break so I hate to see my friends headed down that road. I sit at my friends weddings barely able to contain my happiness and the same goes for when they are sad. I would do anything to cheer them up. Am I a hater because I love hard?

I have a mantra that I live by and it basically reminds me to be for people what I would want them to be for me. However, I am starting to realize that not everyone wants and appreciates honesty, at least at the level that I need it. While I like to play it safe, some people enjoy taking risks. While I require a reciprocal kind of love, some people are ok loving people who do not love them in the same way that they love them.

People just don't make sense at all. We love the people who treat us the worst and hurt, disappoint, deceive, and betray the people who love us the most. It's kind of how we keep finding ourselves in the devil's camp, the one whose purpose is to destroy us while we deny Jesus, the one who has proven time after time after time that he is the father of love and forgiveness. Lord, help us!

Resolution:
I'm going to start charging for my professional advice and listening skills, the people who get it for free sure don't appreciate it, Lmbo! But for real people are going to do what they want to do. You can talk until you're blue in the face and give all the advice in the world, some will take heed others won't. Se la vie! Santra D. learn to shut up, sit back, and watch everything unfold. Definitely cant continue to take on everyone's issues and problems and care more than they obviously do. Let them be, let it be. If they like it, I love it. Nothing but love :)

Signed,

The So-Called Hater

Round of Applause #30WriteNow

I must admit, I've been going through the motions and in my feelings for a little while. In the last two months I think I've experienced almost every emotion. I've been happy, sad, disappointed, deceived, overwhelmed, excited, proud, content, and lonely (can't wait to spend a week with my sisters, brothers, nephew, and niece (I'm going to meet my niece for the very first time) they drive me crazy but are honestly my bestest friend's and lifelines). I've been extremely hard on myself not giving myself enough credit and not taking time to be present. Just want to pause and give myself a round of applause.

Yesterday, my swimming instructor told me that I swim gracefully, made me smile. Yes people, I am swimming. October was a tough month but I got so much accomplished. Had an awesome month of programming for Youth on Fire for Christ at my church. Many of the kids have stopped me and told me how impactful this month was for them. From the Pray/Praise Until Something Happens Event to the Lock In about Professional Development, and even the pageant that so many youth are already showing interest in wanting to be in next year. Professionally, I got through two major audits at my job and the roughest two months of transition. I survived and I will continue to survive. I look forward to ending this year with a bang.

In the next few weeks I'm going to revisit my goals for 2012. I think I've accomplished a lot but I need a serious game plan for three areas where I'm struggling and have been struggling for a while. Hoping to get motivated and finish strong. Either way, I'm proud of me... Keep me lifted

Signed,

An Optimistic Santra D.

Love and Marriage #30WriteNow

Since 2010 I have been in 7 weddings. 7 Weddings in 2 years ya'll. No worries, I will not be like the lady from 27 dresses, as I send them all to Haiti (some young woman in Haiti is a fashionista, looking and feeling like a million dollars with my dresses, just the thought warms my heart).

But for real, tis the season... Just wanted to share my thoughts on commitment, relationships, love, and marriage. As much as I try to deny it,  I am indeed a hopeless romantic. I get all bubbles and sunshine, hearts and flowers when I think of love and marriage. Love is a beautiful thing to say the least. I believe in fairy tale endings and know in my heart that God has created someone in this world that holds the specific key to the lock on my heart. The thought of spending the rest of your life with one person is a scary thought, hence, we have to be 100% sure, beyond a reasonable doubt, that the person you are with is "The One".

THE ONE... The one that will love you, the real you, flaws and all. The one who will stand beside you to support you and in front of you to protect you. The one who makes you feel safe, safe from your past, your present, and the trials that are to come in the future. The one who you can trust with your inner most thoughts and even the trivial day to day concerns. The one who will be loyal and dependable. The one who will put your needs before his own because he knows that you'll the same. The one who will be honest with you in a loving and caring way. The one who will push you to be the best you that you can be. The one who will pray for you and pray with you. The one... Your better half. A reciprical love. These are the dealbreakers! I am talking about real love. Love that last through the test of time.

To all my beautiful friends that I have had the honour to be a part of your wedding parties,  Cheers to you for finding and embracing "The One" and here's to many blissful years of Love & Marriage. Until my turn, I WILL WAIT.  I leave you with these lyrics by Maurette Brown Clarke:
"The one that I dreamed about. The one I can't live without. The one He kept for me Until it was time. The one I was praying for. The one He delayed me for. The one He kept for me until it was time. The one I've waited for, my love's design. The one He kept for me until it was time."  

-Signed

Pieces of Me

PASSION #30WriteNow

TWO WORDS: OPRAH WINFREY!

 

Not too long ago, I updated my facebook status to say "Move over Oprah Winfrey, Michelle Obama is my new role model."

 

I LIED!

 

Oprah Winfrey and First Lady Michelle Obama are tied for first place in my heart and life as far as role model for professional African American women . On Sunday evening I happened to be surfing channels and remembered that Building a Dream: The Oprah Winfrey Leadership Academy for Girls, where Oprah shares her mission to create her Leadership Academy for Girls in South Aftica and tells the stories of the some of the girls was showing that night . Let me tell you, I was nothing but waterworks while watching the entire show. Seriously, I don't want to waste my life. I was going through the motions ya'll, was all in my feelings.

I was excited for the opportunity that the young ladies were receiving. I was sad and depressed that so many girls in Africa and other countries around the world are living in such poverty (Lord help me to think of them when I'm being ungrateful and complaining). I was proud that while they had so many obstacles and barriers in their pathways they have taken the high road of hard work. The young ladies proved to be extremely intelligent, well spoken, and took education seriously. Lastly I was hopeful. Hopeful for the future of these young ladies and the countries they represent. Hopeful for my future.

 

Oprah said something that pulled at my heartstrings. She said that for many years people have asked her, why didn't she have children (not that I want some any time soon). She said  she now understood and that it all made sense. She said it's because of the academy. The ladies at the academy were now her children. Aha moment, thank God for Aha moments!Often times God is trying to do big things in our lives. He is holding back your desires, your so called hopes and dreams because you're not even on his level. You have no idea how he is about to use you and bless you in a way that you could have never imagined.  I don't know about you, but I whole heartedly believe that I am destined to be great. There is something special, something unique, that God want's me to accomplish on this earth. Every time I think about it, Haiti and women come to mind. I don't know the specifics but I know he's not done with me and that I am unattached for a specific reason (SPEAK LORD).

 

Oprah is an amazing woman and she is doing amazing work. I only hope that one day in the near future I will be able to start a Santra Denis Leadership Academy for Girls in Haiti...

Write the vision, make it plain.

 

Photo: Benny Gool/Harpo

 

 

BRAVERY #30WriteNow

BRAVERY...

My little sister is the one of the BRAVEST women I know (except for that time we went parasailing in Mexico, lmbo). She is a tough one, built Ford Tough we like to say. She is a no no-nonsense type of girl. She says what she means and means what she says. She will stand up to the biggest and baddest of them all. Her bravery inspires me (don't think she knows it). 

Resilience #30WriteNow

The First thought that comes to mind is My Sisters and I. We defied every odd...  WE ARE RESILIENT!   Next thought, my Haitian ancestry. Not too long ago a friend of mine and I were discussing Haiti and he said, "Haitians don't have anything to be proud of." I didn't respond but I was disappointed and maybe even a little insulted. To me, it was like him saying that Africans have nothing to  be proud of. He couldn't be more wrong.  If we are not living the rich and glamorous life it's only because half of our income goes to support family members in Haiti. We have a rich history and we are a force to be reckoned with. Haitian people are the hardest working group of people I know (Yes, I am bias)! I stand on the shoulders of giants, my Haitian ancestors  are the original revolutionaries. They dared to believe that they shouldn't live in bondage and slavery but instead they should be a free nation.  Haitian people are the epitome of Resilience. Haiti, the Pearl of the Caribbean, will rise again.


To all my readers who have had some type of setback, barrier, and/or roadblock in this life...  Have the courage and tenacity to Bounce back, Tough it out, and Beat the odds. There's absolutely nothing like a comeback victory.

RESILIENCE

Heartbreak #30WriteNow

Love, that 4 letter word. But oh, it's so much more.

I was having lunch with one of my guy friends. I asked him, was his girlfriend ok with us being friends and having lunch? He said yes because we never had any sexual relations. I laughed at him and said when will we learn that the emotional, spiritual, mental connection is the deepest connection you can ever have with someone. At least to me.

My concept of love has always been kind of tainted. I'm sure it's because when the one's whom God has placed on this earth to instill love in you, show you what true love is, and love you the way that he (God) loves you leave the earth and leave you to fiend for yourself... You become a little guarded, you make tons of mistakes, you learn early lessons, and you ultimately love smart!

I have trained my heart and mind to make the things that should matter matter the most, count more than other things. I know that when it comes to love I can not afford to waiver on the following:
1. A man that is God-fearing
2. Dependable
3. Supportive
4. Hardworking
5. Thoughtful and Considerate

Hence, I've never ever been the girl who sees a guy and is instantly head over heels. I don't care too much for surface relationships. I fall in love with people's heart and soul. It sounds cliche, but it's the truth.

This world can be a cold place. It hardens loving hearts. If you're not careful it can make you bitter. It tells you to love and value things that are temporary and disregard the people and things that should be the most important. I rebuke all of the aforementioned. I believe in true love and have witnessed real life love stories.

I've been heartbroken, I've been taken advantage of but I refuse to fail the same test twice.

I love hard, a blessing and a curse... In the past few years it's been more a curse than a blessing, I guess the third time's a charm, right?

L.O.V.E = LOVE

Little Faith aka Trust Issues #30WriteNow

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen... At least that's the definition that I use... thus saith the Lord.

I wholeheartedly believe that in order to have faith in something or someone you must be able to trust them. Trust has always been hard for me because I question motives, always have and probably always will. I have met some shady, selfish people. Yea, I've met some Judas'. Faith in humans, heck no. They let down and they disappoint.

Additionally, to trust you have to be ok with and willing to accept uncertainty. I absolutely hate uncertainty! I secretly wish my life would and could go as I plan for it to go or at least I wish God would give me visions of what's next. I must admit that I am a bit of a control freak. I like things my way. I like things in a certain order. I am a planner and an organizer. I have a plan A, B, C, and D for almost every situation. I just don't get those free spirited people that will go backpacking in a foreign country, or quit their jobs without having one lined up for them. Craziness!

Faith, I have struggled with this aspect of Christianity all my life.

...Faith, the size of a mustard seed says the good old book.

He is faithful, always was, always is, and always will be! And because he is, I must learn to be.

Sin #30WriteNow

We will never truly understand the damage sin creates in our lives. We sin against our bodies, our minds, and souls. It's a wonder why we have so many emotional and mental issues, SIN! If we truly lived the lives God had intended for us to live oh what peace we would have. Oh how he loves us!

I pray that one day, I will become free of sin. I pray that I will not be a liar, envious, jealous, boastful. Lord help me to forgive others and not to harbor hate in my heart. Help me so that I wont be critical of myself and of others. I seriously love you with all my heart, even though I may not always act like it, the flesh is weak. Lord, help me to ultimately be a woman after your own heart...

For your glory, I will do anything. Just to see you, to behold you as my king. 

Wanna be where you are, gotta be where you are...

Hello Fear #30WriteNow

Three weeks ago a few of my closets friends gathered at my new place of residence for my apt/house warming gathering. Among the many gifts I received, I received this mirror that I wanted. It's not your typical mirror, it's one of those magnifying mirror. A blessing and a curse.

I often have to tell myself to get out the mirror, not that I'm vain, I just want to make sure I'm presentable. Ok, i lied. I'm actually making sure that I'm still as fly as the last time I checked ;)

This mirror can hurt your feelings though. You see if you look into it long enough, you start to see more than you've ever bargained far. You start to see your fears.

Fears will show up. They show up even though you try so hard to hide them. You start to see the worry in your eyes about what the next step in life will be, because you know the next step has to be the best step. You also start to notice that your eyes are bloodshot and that you have bags due to a lack of sleep because you can't turn off that mind and brain of yours. You start to see the slight wrinkles in your forehead from the stress. You see the frown lines by the corners of your mouth. You see the fear of failure and of loneliness. You see the mistakes, you see the failures, you see your deferred dreams. You no longer see your beautiful reflection in that magnifying mirror of yours, you see nothing but FEAR.

But the mirror is magical as well. A magical mirror it is. You see its two-sided. One side magnifies and the other just reflects. After seeing and studying my fears, I take a deep breath and resolve in myself to wave goodbye to that image. I turn the mirror around and there looking back at me is she. I see those diamond cut eyes, with the perfect set of eyebrows, the million dollar smile, those lips that drive the guys crazy, the smooth caramel complexion, and the dimple in my right check. There she is looking back at me. She's back! I see those strong affirming eyes, filled with hope and determination. I look in the mirror and I see my mother and father, double take! I see my strong Haitian features: those high cheekbones, full lips and nose. I see courage, power, and resilience. I see me, Santra D.

Chuck up the deuces, Goodbye Fears!

Invisible #30WriteNow

Invisible for the last time...

To those whose voices have ever been ever silenced...

For anyone whose ideas have ever been ignored... 

To the child whose dreams have ever been deferred...

For the person trying to decide what the next step should be...

To the woman or man seeking to move on from a toxic relationship...

For the student struggling in school...

To the little girl with the big heart and troubled soul...

For the little boy trying to find his way...

HE KNOWS!
HE CARES!
HE IS... GOD!

HUNGER #30WriteNow

I must admit that I am malnourished. I would say maybe a little bulimic mixed with a little anorexia, (not literally people, RELAX). You see I find it hard to actually sit down and eat, but yet I'm purging on a daily basis. I've been fat almost my entire life. For the life of me I don't know how and why. I think I'm the healthiest fat person you will ever meet in life (oxymoron, I know). It's the thing that I'm the most insecure about (shh don't tell anyone). I will never admit to it though (please don't try to talk to me about it, don't feel bad for me, or try to throw me a pity party). You see I'm the girl who has every quality of a great friend and/or perfect spouse... except I'm fat. People may not say it, but deep down in my soul, I know it! It's the elephant in the room, it's the unspoken. 

You see I'm hungry, better yet I'm starving; but, I'm scared to eat. I'm starving, not taking care of me because I'm busy being emptying my heart and soul offering everything I have to give trying to prove that I'm worth it. I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. I'm cute enough.  I'm loyal enough. I'm the most dedicated. Hungry for someone to PICK ME, the girl who has every quality of a great friend and/or perfect spouse... except she's fat!  I just want to be that person for everyone, hoping that those people in return will be that person for me.  I'm hungry but I'm sacred to eat. People can and never will be what fills the void. They can never help you face and get over your insecurities. 

"True story: Whatever you feed, will grow."  The Ace posted this as her status update this morning...  She also sent me this heart felt email this morning after reading my blog... Thank you for being a friend, travel down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant. In John 6:35 Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. No more purging, No more starving myself. I'm filling up on you Lord, better yet I want a double portion (this wont effect my waist line)... You win God, I quit! 

PS. This is a forum to express some general thoughts. The word of the day  happen to be hunger and I figured I would capitalize on the opportunity. I am my worst critic and promise to make the next posting a less intense one and cut myself some slack. I AM Santra D., that's all I can be. Take it or leave it. Of course I would like for everyone to accept and love 100% of me, but the truth is not everyone will. Life goes on and rainy days become sunny days with an extra special gift, a rainbow. I will not alllow my self worth to be defined by others and I know that the cruel words of one are nothing compared to the shouts of many. Hugs and Kisses to all my cheerleaders out there... Even you :)

Signed,

Pieces of Me

TRUTH #30WriteNow

Can you handle the Truth... 

HELL NO! 

But, I still deserve it. 

Over the years, mainly the last year or so, I've learned that the truth hurts ya'll. Like really hurts. Sometimes the truth shows up and cracks open your chest open, rips your heart out, and and stomps all over it. 

People say honesty is the best policy and while it may sometimes hurt, I would still prefer it over a lie any day. Why, you ask? Because the truth gives you decision making power and most of all it sets you FREE.

Sing with me ya'll

Ain't no feeling like being free
When your mind's made up
And your hearts in the right place, yeah
Ain't no feeling like being free
When you've done all you could
But what's misunderstood(It's all good, it's all good)
Ain't no feeling like being free
I'm like an eagle set free
And finally I'm looking out for me
Ain't no feeling like being free
Cause my mind's made up
And my heart is in the right place, yeah

COURAGE #30WriteNow

So my childhood bestie tagged me on a link to the 30WriteNow challenge. It's basically a challenge to write (blog in my case) every day of the month of October.  I'm a little behind so I am writing two tonight to catch up. The Day one prompt for the #30WriteNow October writing challenge is... COURAGE.  Ironic...

The truth is that I'm a punk and have always been. This world scares me with all of it's uncertainties. The fact that you can go to undergraduate and graduate school, take out thousands of dollars worth of loans and be left without a career of some sort and no type of guaranteed success is scary. Even scarier, is the fact that you can invest everything that you have (your heart, your time, your life) into a relationship/friendship and end up with nothing to show for it.  

Question: How do people do it? How do people risk it all,  knowing that they may just loose it all? I am guilty of charge; I am guilty of playing it safe.  I am not a gambler and I don't like taking chances. 

Bottom Line... I lack Courage. 

I leave you with a quote from the Wizard of Oz's courage-less lion: 

"What makes a king out of a slave? Courage! What makes the flag on the mast to wave? Courage! What makes the elephant charge his tusk in the misty mist, or the dusky dusk? What makes the muskrat guard his musk? Courage! What makes the sphinx the seventh wonder? Courage! What makes the dawn come up like thunder? Courage! What makes the Hottentot so hot? What puts the "ape" in apricot? What have they got that I ain't got? Courage!"