Breakthrough

Breakthrough...

Graduation and too much free time has forced me to take the time out to do some self-evaluation. I think there's a time in everyone's life when you must take a look in the mirror and see yourself for who you really are. YOU have to decide if you like the reflection or not. If not, like in my case, changes must occur. 

Check me out…. Childhood memory: I'm sitting at my mother's funeral, next to my 3 sisters and I'm emotionless. I'm like damn it Santra, cry. If you don't cry now it will haunt you for the rest of your life. Truth of the matter is: I was feeling numb. I was just sitting in the front row of my father's funeral a little more than 3 years prior. I'm still trying to cry to no avail. I mean I was tearing up but I didn't get a good cry like my sisters did! We went to the cemetery and while they were putting her body in the ground, I said mommy Imma make you proud. Till this day, my goal in life is to make my parents proud. What they would have wanted from me… I believe my mommy wanted me to be happy and to be successful. I am successful or at least I am diligently working towards it. 

Happiness? Am I really happy? On a regular basis I have people asking me why I'm so mad, are you okay, and/or people would say when I first met you I thought you were mean. If I were truly happy it would show. So I've come to the conclusion that I have never really been an overall Happy Person. I'm soo am jealous of that person that regardless of anything that happens they can keep smiling and know that life goes on. Happiness shows on the outside as will as in the inside.

This is what I really want for myself. This is what this breakthrough is really about. 

What happens? You get busy. Busy with school, work, extracurricular activities, family, friends, significant others, and you forget about the one thing that matters the most. YOU!!! You'll do for others and forget to do for yourself. You lose yourself in the shuffle of daily living. Everything becomes so damn routine! Same shit, New Day! You don't know what really makes you happy. You don't know what you really like to do. You don't really know what you want from a mate. You're living, just to be living! Shit, when was the last time I really did something for me! It's been a while. You can't even recognize yourself anymore. 

Solution: I ask myself. Self! What can you really do to find true happiness? The answer is so simple…just let go. Every day should be a brand new day. Don't wake up with those same burdens on your heart. Live life to its fullest. Don't worry so much. Call your family more (Denis girls if ya'll read this, please know that I love ya sooo much. ya are my everything). Embrace the word (God's word). Have fun. Hang out with those who really matter to you not the people who fail you time after time after time. Don't worry about people who don't give a shit about u. Lastly, don't take on people's problems. As much as we love them, they will have to sort them out themselves. 

Relapse…. Life struggles: Life has a way of detouring you from your original plans' its crazy, like a road that changes directions without any freaking signs or warning. You've been damaged. Friendships end, relationships go sour, people show their true colors: How is it that the people who really do matter to you, the ones who you don't expect to let you down are the ones that do? Its crazy because these same people know the shit you had to deal with, your insecurities, and how it takes a lot for you to really trust people and they turn around and be the ones that you should have stayed away from. 

Recovery…. Lets face it I want to be Happy. I will pursue happiness just as much as I am pursuing a 6-figure salary. I will pursue it with all that is in me. I can't let people or things stand in the way of the Santra I want to become. 
Treatment: Its time to be honest! Brutally honest! I know exactly what I want in life. We like to be shocked when shit turns for the worse, but in reality we had a feeling all along that it would happen, for example: 
You don't study all semester and fail, but you're shocked 
You lower your standards with this one and he turns around and disappoints you, but you're shocked 

So just like a person a recovering from crack cannot be around crack. I'm recovering from loosing myself and not experiencing REAL HAPPINESS and need the things and people that are set backs to stay away from me. 
I am done with liars, deceptive people (be careful with this one because after they deceive for so long, they even deceive themselves), people who do not really have your best interest in mind (these are the people who act like they care about you and when a situation occurs they prove to you exactly how much they really do care, AKA Liars BKA Deceivers), selfish people, and TOXIC PEOPLE (Some people are toxic to your life and they don't even realize it. because you don't even realize it yourself. People that you're always there but they wont return the favor when you're in need. Eliminate those toxic people from your lives, it might make you sad at first because you honestly want to see the good in that person. But trust me, it will make you a much a happier person in the long run). It's not an easy task. People are cunning! But please believe me when I say this, you give them enough time and their true colors will show. Don't ignore the signs. People are their actions!!! 

You must let go of the anger to really be treated. Don't dwell on how these people let you down. Sometimes people honestly don't know how to be a real friends, good boyfriend/girlfriends, family members, coworkers, etc. and that doesn't make them bad people. But if your goal is to find true happiness and you are guilty of loosing yourself because of life struggles then these kinds of people are harmful to you. They are standing in the way of your progression. No hard feelings… Its time that I put myself first 
I'm breaking thru…I'M JUST READY TO BE HAPPY!