HUNGER #30WriteNow

I must admit that I am malnourished. I would say maybe a little bulimic mixed with a little anorexia, (not literally people, RELAX). You see I find it hard to actually sit down and eat, but yet I'm purging on a daily basis. I've been fat almost my entire life. For the life of me I don't know how and why. I think I'm the healthiest fat person you will ever meet in life (oxymoron, I know). It's the thing that I'm the most insecure about (shh don't tell anyone). I will never admit to it though (please don't try to talk to me about it, don't feel bad for me, or try to throw me a pity party). You see I'm the girl who has every quality of a great friend and/or perfect spouse... except I'm fat. People may not say it, but deep down in my soul, I know it! It's the elephant in the room, it's the unspoken. 

You see I'm hungry, better yet I'm starving; but, I'm scared to eat. I'm starving, not taking care of me because I'm busy being emptying my heart and soul offering everything I have to give trying to prove that I'm worth it. I'm good enough. I'm smart enough. I'm cute enough.  I'm loyal enough. I'm the most dedicated. Hungry for someone to PICK ME, the girl who has every quality of a great friend and/or perfect spouse... except she's fat!  I just want to be that person for everyone, hoping that those people in return will be that person for me.  I'm hungry but I'm sacred to eat. People can and never will be what fills the void. They can never help you face and get over your insecurities. 

"True story: Whatever you feed, will grow."  The Ace posted this as her status update this morning...  She also sent me this heart felt email this morning after reading my blog... Thank you for being a friend, travel down the road and back again. Your heart is true, you're a pal and a confidant. In John 6:35 Jesus said to them, “I am the bread of life; whoever comes to me shall not hunger, and whoever believes in me shall never thirst. No more purging, No more starving myself. I'm filling up on you Lord, better yet I want a double portion (this wont effect my waist line)... You win God, I quit! 

PS. This is a forum to express some general thoughts. The word of the day  happen to be hunger and I figured I would capitalize on the opportunity. I am my worst critic and promise to make the next posting a less intense one and cut myself some slack. I AM Santra D., that's all I can be. Take it or leave it. Of course I would like for everyone to accept and love 100% of me, but the truth is not everyone will. Life goes on and rainy days become sunny days with an extra special gift, a rainbow. I will not alllow my self worth to be defined by others and I know that the cruel words of one are nothing compared to the shouts of many. Hugs and Kisses to all my cheerleaders out there... Even you :)

Signed,

Pieces of Me